I havent written here for so long, it feels like forever. I think I just had to have a break from the whole pregnancy/baby loss world for a while after my miscarriage in July.

Im hoping that we will get some really good news in 2 days time, my period is due tomorrow and im hoping that it doesnt come! I am feeling positive.

Bye Bye Rainbow

Well now I know. The cramping got worse last night and I have had a lot of heavy bleeding and passed some clots also.

I have taken today off work, the bleeding is still quite heavy. I will go to the docs tomorrow still. I guess they will want to organise an ultrasound to make sure everything has come out.

Bye Bye to my little rainbow baby, Im sorry you couldnt stay.

Went and had a blood test done this morning, wont get the results until Wed morning though.

Just started having some cramping though and the bleeding is a little heavier...

: (

Of course stupid me, I should have known with my luck that the bleeding would continue.

Been having spotting on and off all day yesterday and again this morning. So I will have to go and have blood tests tomorrow to see if hormone levels are rising.

My feeling is that they wont be.

I actually think that bubba stopped growing last weekend when I had those cramps which I thought was contipation pains. It would explain why the scan the other day showed a 5w 3d and not 6w 3d because thats how far along I was when I had the pains.

Anyway I will have the blood tests tomorrow and see what happens. I hate this waiting game and not knowing whats going on.

There was only a little bit of blood when I wiped this morning, so I am hoping that it has stopped.

No cramping still so I guess thats a good sign, we shall see what the day brings....

Crap. Bright red blood and now Im getting a headache.

Doesnt look good.

Not good news but not bad yet either

Shit shit shit shit shit.

I went to the toilet to empty my bladder at 11:00am so I could then drink my 1 litre of water for the 12:00pm scan and there was some blood on the toilet paper.

I stared at it for ages cause I didnt believe what I was seeing. This morning I had myself convinced that this baby would be my take-home baby, that everything would be alright and then I was totally deflated.

I wiped a few times and it was just pale pink blood.

So I went to the scan anyway and told them what had happened. 

When he put the ultrasound on my stomach he said he couldnt see anything in my womb at all. So then I was thinking great it must be an ectopic pregnancy or something. So then he did an internal ultrasound and you could see a very small sack - about 0.5cm long in my uterus. There was some tiny signs of a heartbeat but not enough to pick up a rythym. According to the measurements the gestational age is 5w 3d, but yet going by my menstrual cycle I should be 6w 3d. So something isnt adding up.

Also when I wiped after the scan there was some more darker blood and a very small looking clot.

So now I am totally freaking out that I am going to miscarry or there is something wrong with the baby.

I had to tell my boss what was going on and he has sent me home for this afternoon. Luckily it is the weekend now so I can rest up.

Basically they said that all we can do is wait now and let nature take its course. And have another scan in 2 weeks time and also have some blood tests to make sure the hormone levels are rising.

So I have an appointment at my GP tomorrrow morning to get that organised.

Keep your fingers crossed please that its all going to be ok.

Scan tomorrow, yay! Im looking forward to it.

I took another preg test today just to make sure - still no morning sickness - but it was an instant positive! I had myself convinced that tomorrow at the scan they would say, your not pregnant you must have made a mistake!

Tomorrow I will get to see for myself : )

6 weeks

Still feeling good, no morning sickness yet. Which on one hand is good, but on the other makes me worry - it doesnt feel like Im pregnant! Cant wait to have my scan on Friday at lunch time and see the little heartbeat!

All weekend my mind has been going around in circles. One minute I am convinced that Im going to have a miscarriage and the next I am talking myself out of thinking silly thoughts. (I had some pains in my tummy that turned out to be constipation pains lol)

I am happy that I have made it to the 6 week mark but I will be happier when we make it past the 12 week mark. Just taking it one day at a time for now.

I have started on aspirin as advised by my specialist. What a drama that was! I am supposed to start on 150mg a day, but do you think I could find ones that are 150mg? No. One chemist told me just to take 100mg or 200mg, and said it wont really matter, but I really want to stick to what the specialst has told me.
So then I went to another chemist and he looked at me like I was an idiot when I told him I was pregnant and had been advised to start aspirin. So he shook my confidence a bit in the specialist (which was totally silly of me) so I rang their office and confirmed that it was safe to take and yes I should start straight away.

The reason for this is that I have pre-exisitng high blood pressure which is currently controlled by medication, and the aspirin is supposed to help in preventing pre-eclampsia (which was most likely the cause of Jacks death) So keeping my fingers crossed that it works.

I am feeling good still, no morning sickness, I think it started around 6 weeks with Jack.
I did another pregnancy test today just to make sure it said positive! lol It did.

I have already been panicking about a sore throat that I am getting and whether or not my meat is cooked enough or not, all the usual stuff, its just that I am a lot more worried this time than what I was with Jack.

My specialist wants me to have an early scan just to confirm dates, even though I am pretty sure of the dates, they want to be 100%, which is fine by me, the earlier I get to see this bubba the better!
So I guess I will have that towards the end of next week.

Wow!

Well it happened, apparently people do still get pregnant on their first try!!!!!
I cant beleive it, I thought it would take a few months at least.

Im only 4 weeks today, my due date is 22nd Feb 2010!

Already stressing. already hoping and imagining for the future. Please let everything work out this time.

I know Jack will be watching over us. I love you little man x0x0x0

Well the waiting game has started!
I am keeping all my fingers crossed. I am wearing my special fertility bracelet that has gemstones that promote fertility, I know I'm a weirdo! ha ha ha but I'm prepared to try anything.

I get to test on the Queens birthday holiday Monday 14th June), yay, at least its not a workday.
I'm already getting carried away imagining the 'positive'! Well I guess its better than imagining a negative.

I really hope its positive. People do still get pregnant on their first try don't they?

After reading too much information on the web I'm really terrified of becoming infertile. I know I shouldn't even be thinking silly thoughts like that. But that's how my mind works now. I always imagine the worst case scenario as well. Wish it didn't have to be that way. That's why I am trying to stay positive and think positive thoughts!

Please please please let it be positive!

Yay its finally May! No more waiting to start trying!
Yesterday was day 1 of my cycle....

Waiting for May, hurry up May, your not far away now, only 1 more month!

Took it, it was negative.

Im okay with that. At least that gives me more time to lose some more weight. And now I guess we wont try till May. But thats not far away now.

Well I bought the test, but now Im too chicken to take it....too scared of seeing a BFN.

Why does time go so slow when you are waiting?

Only 4 more days!

Im debating whether or not to go down the street and find one of those tests that lets you test 5 days before AF is due....or can I wait till Thursday??

I dont trust those extra early tests, Im scared of it giving me a false negative. We will see, I think curiosity might get the better of me though!

My first 2 week wait!

Well we were supposed to wait 2 weeks after my op before we 'you know', but one thing lead to another and now I am in the dreaded 2 week wait!

So only 6 days to go before testing woo hoo! I am so excited! I know that we decided to wait until May before we tried, but oh well!

I doubt we will get pregnant first try anyway...but you never know.

Oh what to do?

Just when I thought everything was sorted and we can start trying right away, I have kind of decided to wait another 2 maybe 3 months.

The reason is that there is going to be a federal election here in Australia in November. Each candidate has promised to introduce paid maternity leave in January 2011, something that is not currently available here.

One party has promised 18 weeks, the other 26 weeks of paid leave. So if we wait till I am due in Feb we will be entitled to this extra money, which means for me an extra 3 months or an extra  5 1/2 months at home with my baby, which just wouldnt be possible otherwise. Without the paid leave I would be able to have a total of 6 months off work, with the paid leave this would extend to 9 months, possibly 12.

So I guess even though I really dont want to wait any longer to start trying we would be mad to miss out on this extra special time at home with bubs.

So I am kind of in two minds at the moment, but am leaning towards waiting until June to start trying. The one good thing about this is it will give me a chance to lose some extra weight between now and then. Currently I am 74kg and I would like to get down to 65kg. So that will give me something to focus on in the meantime, and I guess in the end I will be healthier all round for another pregnancy.

My first post!

After we fell pregnant in November 08 we were ecstatic. We couldn't wait for our little bubs to arrive in July. Never did we for one moment imagine what was ahead for us.

In May 09 our little bundle of joy, a son we named Jack Cooper, was born sleeping. It completely shook our lives apart. We are now trying to pick up the pieces and continue on our journey.

We have had a few setbacks along the way, but we have now finally been given the go ahead to start trying to conceive again. So this blog will be my journal where I will be able to write what I feel, as I know this path is going to be long, hard and emotional.

So anyway this month we have missed out on, Im ovulating at the moment but because I just had an operation last Monday we have to wait until next month. But whats 4 more weeks, when we have been waiting since October hey?

So this month I will just focus on eating healthily, remembering to take my multi vitamins and exercising!